Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

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Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Torchiclove on Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:47 pm

(right now I have a terrible case of writers block so chapters might not be as good)
Chapter one

I ran as fast as I could. They were catching up to me and I could already feel the pain of dogs tearing at my flesh. No, you're faster than them, you can outrun them! I told myself. I kept running and desperatly searched for a clearing so I could spread my wings. The tree cover was dense but I was getting farther and farther ahead of the already tired earasers. I saw a clearing ahead of me and my heart soared. I ran the final stretch with an extra burst of speed. I came across the clearing and sprang into the air. My wings unfurled and I flapped hard. "So long suckers!" I yelled as I flew off into the night sky.

A few minutes later I returned, desperatly searching the area for my friends. "Cory, Faith, Kaley, Kaleb, Joseph!" I yelled as I flew over the forest. I felt something some up behind me and instinctively swiveled around. I kicked at whatever it was and hit something soft and feathery. Whatever was behind me lost altitude and I then realized it was Cory. "Sorry" I said as I flew down to him. "Don't sweat it" He said quietly. "Kaleb and Joseph are nearby, I didn't find Kaley or Faith" He added. "I'll look for them, you check on the other two" I said and quickly flew lower to search for Faith and Kaley.

I flew for an hour, yelling Faith and Kaley's names. My throat burned like fire and my stomach rumbled. I was about to give up when I saw Kaley's brown hair among the undergrowth. "Kaley!" I yelled and landed next to what I thought was her. "Leah?" Kaley mumbled weakly. "Yes, it's Leah! Do you know where Faith is?" I said frantically. "Over there" She mumbled pointing at a lump on the ground. "Faith!" I yelled, running over her. "What is it? Do you have food?" Faith mumbled, half asleep. "No" I said bluntly. "Can you fly?" I asked, rousing Faith from her half-slumber. "Yeah, I think" Faith mumbled. "I can!" Kaley yelled, she had already spread her wings and stood up. Faith finally stood up and spread her chocolate brown wings. Kaley and Faith climbed into the sky and I followed behind them, making sure they didn't plummet.

"Cory! I found Faith and Kaley!" I yelled as I approached our rendevous point. "Great!" Cory yelled. Kaley, Faith, and I dropped down to the ground and I began checking the others for wounds. Kaley had a couple scrapes on her arm and a deep cut on her foot, Faith wasn't bad she just had a badly scraped up foot and a cut above her eyebrow, Cory had a gash on his right leg, Joseph had a series of cuts on his his left arm, and Kaleb had a couple scrapes on his legs and a deeep cut on his cheek. "We need to find food" I said bluntly and everybody nodded in agreement. "I'm starving!" Kaleb moaned, clutching his stomach and pretending to faint. I grabbed a rock and motioned for Cory to get something sharp too. He grabbed another sharp rock and headed out after me. "Do you have any idea how to hunt?" I asked him. "Nope" He said.
Chapter 2
I silently walked through the forest, alert for any animals. I heard a rustling and my head snapped to the side, a fluffy white rabbit was bounding down a trail. I crept up on the large creature and threw my rock at it. The rabbit was hit in the back and blood trickled out of a deep cut in its back. I grabbed the rabbit and yanked the stone out of it. I quickly killed it by stabbing its neck repeadetly. "I got something!" I yelled. "Is it enough to feed us all?" He asked as he walked out of some bushes. "Probably not, but it will do" I said, holding up to dead rabbit. "Anyway now we have to go back and build a fire" I added.

"Yeah, but we'll worry about that later" Cory said boredly. We walked back to the others and held up our catch. "Food!" Joseph yelled excitedly. "Kaleb, Joseph start a fire. Cory, skin the rabbit" I said. Cory grabbed the rabbit and began to take its fur off. Kaleb and Joseph nodded and then started looking around for things to burn. If I had learned anything it was that Kaleb and Joseph could start a fire, but mostly it ended up exploding. I really hoped that they wouldn't make an exploding campfire. Kaleb came back holding tons of twigs and some rocks. He set the twigs down and Jospeh grabbed some of the rocks. Jospeh scraped the rocks along the twigs and they soon set fire. Must be flint.. i thought. I grabbed a long brach and stuck it through the now furless rabbit. I stuck the rabbit over the fire and it began slowly cooking. This is almost fun, kinda like a normal campfire but not. I thought.

Eventually the rabbit turned a crispy brownish color and we decided it had finished cooking. I grabbed a rabbit leg and began tearing off the not-so-succulent meat. Kaleb got the other hind leg, Joseph sprang for the fatty areas, Faith got a front leg, Kaley got the other front leg, and Cory was stuck with whatever was left. We all finished our measley meal in just minutes. I didn't bother to wipe any of the rabbit meat off my face.

Chapter 3

"I'm tired!" Kaley groaned. "Fine, everbody spread out and look for some shelter. I'll go with Kaley, Faith go with Cory, and Kaleb go with Joseph," I said. We had pretty much established in a couple minutes that I was in charge. i distributed the kids so that they each had one of the oldest to go with them. "Ok," Kaley grumbled. She spread her golden-brown wings and shot into the air. I followed her, soaring up easily as my wings filled with wind.

We flew around and around until I saw a dark cave. "Kaley, I found something! Let's check it out!" I yelled above the roaring wind. "Ok!" Kaley yelled and shot towards me like a bullet. When it came to flying Kaley was fast. She could almost beat me but her wingspan was 2 feet smaller and didn't have as much power. I landed with a loud thunk at the mouth of the cave. It was perfectly concealed in the dark and was just large enough to cram 6 scrawny mutants into. "I think this is the place," Kaley said,swiveling her head to look for flaws. "Yeah, let's go find the other," I said and with a turn of my head leaped out of the cave.

(It isn't the best but it'll get better. If you haven't read Maximum Ride you might not get this as in the earasers; they are half wolf and they can morph (NOT to be confused with werewolves) Constructive critiscism?)
Well, I'm gonna create a character list. It only shows name, gender, and age Razz
Leah(F)(16)
Cory(M) (16)
Joseph(M) (16)
Kaleb(M)(14)
Kaley(F)(14)
Faith(F)(10)


Last edited by Torchiclove on Wed Sep 21, 2011 4:32 pm; edited 4 times in total (Reason for editing : adding another chapter)
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You wanted criticism....

Post  dragonnaruto on Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:16 pm

It's good. However it's missing a few key points, Such as descriptions, Your characters, as well as their enemies need to be described, what they look like, their personalities. etc. It would really make the story come alive, and make it play like a movie in your head. The setting as well, its still the beginning so it needs a bit of world building.. Such as time, the type of tech, and the surroundings in general.

One last thing, you could have done a lot more with the first paragraph, when your charries were being chased by erasers. You'll get better at writing over time. But the beginning really needs to hook the reader in. Maybe just some more suspense in the first paragraph, or if it was longer and split up into several paragraphs.
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Torchiclove on Tue Sep 13, 2011 6:49 am

Thanks, I meant to describe it more and I will in the next update. I hadn't really worked out a couple things but I already knew what everbody looked like and I'll put that in later. Now to work on the next 2 paragraphs!
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Torchiclove on Tue Sep 13, 2011 6:56 pm

ok I have added on to it Smile I also added a character list with ages and genders.
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Torchiclove on Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:37 pm

added some more.. NOBODY LOVES MAXIMUM RIDE Crying or Very sad
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Sheyna on Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:10 pm

I've never actually heard of Maximum Ride, but I still like your story so far.
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Torchiclove on Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:00 pm

wrote one more chapter. GAHHH writer's block!
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  MewMew100 on Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:13 pm

I like it....Have you guys read my short story?? .....Its a while back in the past...CHERRYPAW!!!!
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Re: Riding the wind (A Maximum Ride FF)

Post  Sheyna on Fri Sep 16, 2011 6:20 pm

Yup. Been reading it. B

y the way, Torchic, you're story's really good so far. Although one thing. When your characters are talking, the proper way to have it is EX: "I just finished my homework," she said. You should put a comma before putting in the second quote mark. Or a question mark, or exclamation point. But if it's something where 'he said' or 'she said' is after what they said, you don't put a period.
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